


Hello, my name is (Letters from Unknown)

by DisasterSoundtrack



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Ryden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-09-24
Packaged: 2018-02-18 16:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2354861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisasterSoundtrack/pseuds/DisasterSoundtrack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I spend way too many nights driving around aimlessly, just hoping to run into you. Waiting for a day our cars collide. And we'll come out all covered in blood, all beat up and broken, but you'd say that you missed me, that you love me and you will never leave again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hello, my name is (Letters from Unknown)

Dearest Ryan,

I was aboard a sinking ship once. I was shaking and sweating and fighting and I swear I could hear the sound of my heart breaking, but then there was just water and crashing waves and the smell of salt, the taste of salt on my tongue (why?).  
  
I came out on the other end realizing I've got nothing, realizing everything I ever cared about stayed aboard the ship that has sunk.  
  
Hello, my name is has-been, my name is your ex, my name is Brendon, but only some days.

My name is  
Yours, forever

*

Ryan,

It has been raining all day today and I'm curled up under a blanket, you know which one, and my hair is slowly drying. My tea is hot and my glasses steamy.  
  
It has been raining and I went out in the rain. They say it makes you feel alive, if you're numb.  
  
I am numb, Ryan. I have been numb ever since.  
  
I have been numb ever since you said it is not working out and then you laughed in my face.  
  
Ever since.  
  
I should really hate you.  
  
So I went out in the rain and my hair got all wet and maybe, just maybe, I tried crying, but nothing worked, I still couldn't.  
  
So I thought about _melt your headaches_ and the way your eyes shone like pennies under the lights when I kissed you in Chicago.  
  
I still couldn't.

XO,  
Me

*

Hello, asshole!

You know you weren't always such an asshole? Remember when you were best buddies forever with Pete and you talked about poetry deep into the night, and you drew beautiful flowers on your soft face and your make-up stained my pillowcase, my sheets, my skin, my everything?  
  
Remember when, Ryan? Remember when you were the one with the words and I was the one with too much caffeine and I jumped around you all the time?  
  
Spencer would release this quiet chuckle of his and you'd be like, _just cut it out, Bren, okay?_  
  
And then you'd take me to your room and caress my hair until I was asleep.  
  
It was such a long time ago.

Take care,  
B.

*

Dear Ryan,

It was the 15th of July when you said you love me so much it hurts you to breathe. I remember it was past eleven, Chicago too cold as always and you said it in those exact words, _I love you so much it hurts me to breathe, Brendon._  
  
You said you love me so much it's enough for three lifetimes.  
  
Where the hell did that go, where was all that love when you laughed in my face and Jon was standing in the corner, broken and ashamed, and Spencer was out somewhere again, getting drunk?

It hurts me to breathe, still.  
  
Yours, etc.

*

Hey stranger,

When I was about eight I walked in on my parents, you know, in the bedroom.  
  
When I was twenty - one I walked in on you with some nameless girl in a hotel, limbs tangled, mouths shameless, your hand in her hair like you used to do to me. I walked away without you noticing, because why would I interfere? I was just Brendon, just your vocalist and your piece of ass and whetever, just the guy you claimed to be in love with.  
  
I just went to bed and waited, waited for ages, but you came along eventually, reeking of cheap perfume and booze and something strangely cold. You spooned me and whispered something I couldn't quite decipher.  
  
It was like tearing my own skin away. It fucking hurt, Ryan. It hurt when the next night we were just watching a movie on a couch together, the four of us and Zack, and you were holding my hand. Like nothing happened. Because nothing ever happened if you didn't say so.

With love,  
Stupid me

*

Ryan,

I'm fucking sick of everything, you know?  
  
I'm sick of writing lyrics, it's so frustrating because I know you used to do it better.  
  
It's like I'm about to explode from the pressure. I probably will, someday. Maybe tomorrow, but I bet it will be on a Wednesday.  
  
Dallon is great, though. He knows how to calm me down. He's so zen, I don't know how he does it. Maybe I'll ask him to show me. Would you like that, Ryro? Would you like him to show me?

Please come save me.  
B.

*

Ryan Ryan Ryan,

remember when you took everything away from me? Remember when we were aboard a sinking ship together, but then you took a lifeboat and rafted the fuck away? You took everything. You took my dearest friends, you took half my band, you took my music, my fans, my goddamn life, well, not like I needed all that stuff, right?  
  
Remember when you also took the man I loved when you left? Because I never met him again.  
  
Nevermind he was in my bed like ten days before he left, sweet nothings, feathery touches and kisses lighter than the wind.  
  
I spend way too many nights driving around aimlessly, just hoping to run into you. Waiting for a day our cars collide. And we'll come out all covered in blood, all beat up and broken, but you'd say that you missed me, that you love me and you will never leave again.  
  
I spend way too many nights sitting in my car alone, blasting music, staring ahead, afraid that the road is going to be empty again. That there is no You in my life anymore.

I'm chasing a ghost.  
B.

*

Dear You,

this is the last time I'm doing this. Everything burns in the end, you know? All of this letters I am writing at the break of dawn, when it's still too dark for people to see the lines under my eyes, but too bright to hide the fact it was never supposed to end like this.  
  
Never.  
  
Three lifetimes, you said.  
  
It was not even enough for a few fucking _years_ , asshole.  
  
All of the letters burn.  
  
What I feel probably never will. Tell me I'm crazy, because I know I am, but I still remember when you took me to this fairytale field, tall grass and wildflowers, the sound of the sea far away, made love to me and told me I'm your every dream come true. When you held my hand, your hair damp with sweat, sticking to your forehead, and you sang _Hey Jude_ to me.  
  
_Take a sad song and make it better._  
  
The sky fell on us that night, with all its stars. I would honestly laugh if anyone told me it's not gonna last forever. I was sure I will count the stars with you until we get old, sitting by the fireplace and comparing our embarrassing tour tatoos.  
  
All of the letters burn.  
  
All of the lies you ever said to me? I'm gonna let them burn too.  
  
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it was all your fault. I know I was addicted, I craved your voice, your touch, your sideways glances. Your love was my nicotine. Your lies were my addiction, my downfall, my demise, and you were never sorry.  
  
Good luck living a life knowing that you've ruined mine.  
  
I will get better someday, you know? Somewhere along the road. Maybe I'll fix myself, maybe I'll let somebody fix me, I haven't decided yet.  
  
But there will always be this memory of a boy who broke my heart, a scar on my skin, a scratch on my wall, a photograph in my bedside table drawer. There will always be you.  
  
I miss you. I hate you. I'm not sorry.

I love you,  
Brendon.


End file.
